Barred. Being sucked into the ground. Breathless and a searing pain in the chest. Being forced to stay put. Unable to move.
This is the feeling, one that frustrates me, the intensity of which increases with each passing day.
Okay, no one is holding me hostage. That is just how I feel a lot of the time. Perhaps, if you are an Aquarian (or maybe a Sagittarian) you will get the hang of what I really mean.
I have lived for eighteen whole years as ‘one of the Homo sapiens with full sized aortic pumps’. (I am sorry Joey. Ross is right. Homo sapiens are people, you know!) And do you know what is it that I find most unnerving? Having to get permission before taking any decision.
The future that I dream of, that I desperately want, involves having to answer no one at all, doing what I like when I like it, never having to get permission or to be a parasite and so on. Or you could say it involves me leading my life on my own terms. A life that I hold full responsibility for, that makes me proud of who I am and content with what I am.
Maybe this is what inspires me to move forward. Maybe this is why I am excited about the prospect of advancing into the college life. It brings me a step closer to the kind of life I desire. It may be a small step. But it is a step nonetheless.
But, the pessimist that I am, I can’t help thinking that there might be a loophole somewhere in my idea of a ‘utopian life’. Or I might never actually get to live that life. So no matter how many times I think this through, no matter how much I feel restrained (which is a lot, by the way!), there is nothing much I can do as of now that will reassure me, that will breed a certainty that I am going about this the right way. Except venturing ahead and unfurling each day, be that as it may.
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